I have not felt like sharing for awhile.
My son who is my youngest child (my baby) has been dealing with health issues, that are significant.
I am scared. It is challenging for someone like me because I have faith, I am usually positive and optimistic. I can always be there for other people and offer support and clarity.
My children are my Achilles heel. I go right into fear when threatened with anything happening to them.
I have a very close, awesome relationship with my son. I have almost lost him three times.
I don’t feel I could bear to lose him. I would not want to go on living. Which would of course be grossly unfair to my beloved daughter, and to all the other people in my life who love me.
It is irrational, but my basic little self is in a state of terror.
I am challenged, with all I know and practice to suddenly be thrown into my most frightened, terror stricken, little self.
I am human. I know that I have to accept that but truth be told, I really would like to always be super human.
I am certain that we all have these times in our life when our fears and helplessness overcome us.
What to do? Pray, Pray, Pray. I even bargain with the Divine. I will do this… if you will only answer my prayers.
When Michael, my son was born, I prayed so hard to save his life. I was 20 years old, I told God if you save my son I will serve you with all my energy. I have, I feel that I am on a mission to make the world a better place and remind people of their own divinity. I have renewed my vows several times to save my children.
Perhaps I would not have believed in myself enough to even think that was my life’s calling. I do remember at 8 years old sitting on the stairs outside my home looking at a tree and feeling like I was supposed to do something on Earth. I was a very deep child.
I realized at 20 years old, that services was my mission. I love my mission and I am very grateful to be of service to God/Goddess.
I have been serving for 56 years. I am now 76, when I think of slowing down and retaining some of my energy for myself I am reminded, like now, that my life is dedicated to others.
The conundrum is, when I have my own health wake up calls. When this happens I say to myself “God is telling you to take better care of yourself” I am still searching for balance, self and others.
I know that many of us, especially mothers find it much easier to give then receive.
I will just keep on Praying and will pray to my highest self to give me strength and remind me of everything I already know.
The Divine has a plan. I sure hope that it includes healing my “baby” my son, Michael. Please God.